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| FORTUNES!! -- The story, by Matt Allen (Scroll down to view actual Fortunes) |
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In the sixth grade, I had a sixth-grade teacher as a
teacher. That year she instated a fake money program in our
class where students could get payed for smiling when they
came into class and doing their homework. Once a month, we
would have a big "flea-market" where we could sell things for
fake money and buy things from others. We all came up with
some interesting ideas for the flea-markets. For instance, at
one flea-market, I dressed up as a fortune teller and gave
people their fortunes for fifty dollars. I used a brilliant
piece of marketing strategy by sharing my idea with the whole
class ahead of time and getting them so riled up about what a
stupid idea it was that when the flea-market came, they
couldn't resist just paying the fifty bucks to see what I
would say. I proved to them that their first impressions of
the idea were the correct ones, but that was only after I
took their money.
There were many other creative ideas thought up by me and my fellow classmates. Running a gambling booth was one that didn't go over well with the sargeant ... I mean, teacher. Another highlight of that year for me was when I led the campaign of my friend for treasurer. (See Fortune # 34 for the reason that our campaign was unsuccesful.) Anyway, I'm getting off the point. At the last flea-market, some of my friends, started a booth where they wrote fortunes for people and sold them. Their fortunes, though, were different from my fortune telling. The very first fortune that I bought from them (five dollars) said "You will grow up to be rich and famous." "This is a rip-off!" I cried, "That was the lamest fortune I ever heard." "They get better," they assured me, and sure enough I bought a few more. They were right. The fortunes that I was reading were funny. They said things like, "Jennifer Hurricane owes you 500 dollars," or "You can take Steve Dennies trash." (Steve Dennie really did let me take his trash. That was the only forune that came true.) Anyway, I continued buying fortunes from these kids even after the flea-market because I liked them so much. Soon the fortunes evolved into even funnier things like "Watch out for a crack on the floor, for you might slip." The obviousness of the things that they were writing cracked me up. Well, I went home and tried to come up with some "fortunes" of my own, and I've been doing that ever since. * * * * * * * * * * * * * I guess the point of this little story is that these fortunes are a borrowed idea from some sixth graders who were trying to sell them for five fake dollars each. Enjoy! |
| THE FORTUNES!! |
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The Fortunes -- the following are some samples of Fortunes. There are actually over 150 of them in all and more are being developed all the time.
1. I've heard that pouring lead in your drinks will slow down the aging process. In fact, it may end the aging process altogether. 2. I've always had a deep fear of bears. My psychiatrist thinks it has to do with a lack of a mother figure, but I think it all started when that bear chewed me up pretty bad at the zoo. 3. Beans, beans, the magical fruit, the more you eat, the less hungry you feel. 4. I don't want a job, but if you pay me some money I'll work for yas all. 5. If you're milking your cow right now, stop squeezing so hard because that hurts. 6. You know you're in trouble. (You are, after all, taking the time to read something of mine.) 7. I remind myself of a piece of trash -- discarded from society and taken to a large plant to be compressed and burned. 8. I think I'd like to be a fly on the wall. No! Better yet, I'd like to be me and a fly on the wall at the same time. That way I could look at the fly and say, "Hey, that's me!" 9. See Poem below: What to Do What to do, what to do, said the snake to the mouse. Tis true, tis true, I'll return to my house. You'll return to your house on a nice summer day? Yes I shall, yes I shall, for I've nothing good to play. No you won't, no you won't, I'm going to eat you instead, you miserable little rodent! 10. You know you're in trouble if your new next door neighbor has a history of killing their next door neighbors. | Back to Main | |
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